More Than “Breath and Britches”

As I mentioned in my last post, Michael came to see me last weekend. Yeah! It was fun and too short.

And since he was coming, I wanted to look my best, of course, so on the Thursday before his arrival I went to the barbershop to get my hair cut so that I would look fresh and feel pretty.

And this is the absurd exchange that ensued from the moment I hit the door:

CB, the barber: Don’t you return phone calls?

[Picture me with a stupefying look on my face.]

Me: You have the nerve to say that to me! On three separate occasions I have called you and/or texted you to find out when you would be in the shop and I have yet to receive a call or a text back! Not only will I not be returning your calls, I will not ever call or text you again! I am not a chump!

CB: Well, I was calling to ask you to dinner.

Me: What?! You got bored and had no one else to call, so you decided to pick up the phone and call me!

CB: Why can’t you just let the past go?

Me: I am NOT a chump!

CB:  You are judging me based on what others have done.

Me: No. I am judging you based on your past and present bad behavior and indifference. Were you raised in a barn?!

CB: Well, can’t you just learn to accept idiosyncrasies?

[What an arseclown!]

Me: No! (I am actually thinking that would be a hell, hell no!) This is not an idiosyncrasy. This is rudeness and indifference. I place a very high, high value on myself and I will not tolerate this!

CB: Well, what do you want?

[Seriously! Can he really be asking this silly question?!]

Me: Actually, I am not looking for anything. And I have never led you to believe otherwise. What we have and have always had is a professional [I should have said unprofessional] relationship.

But if I were looking, I am certainly not interested in a man who is a lazy, rude, trifling arseclown who does not return phone calls! I would much rather be reading a book! I want so much more than “breath and britches!”

[As if…]

And then he uttered a simple string of sad and confounding words…

CB: Truth is, you scare me.

Me: Really?! Why?

CB: You’re a lady. I’ve never met a woman like you… (He’s 50!)


Call-to-action: Ladies, are you settling for just “breath and britches?” Guys, what do you think about this ridiculous exchange? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.

Check out my other related posts: Yes, I Am Queen of Sheba and Priced Above Rubies.

8 thoughts on “More Than “Breath and Britches””

  1. OMG! Loved it! My great-grandmother would be proud to call you an honorary great- granddaughter. She would like you better than most of them anyway!

  2. I know for some men it is a numbers game, and putting their vibe out there in mass is what they do. Showing consideration for others should flow naturally. Good for you Queen of Sheba!

    • Yep, this Queen of Sheba is not a chump and she shall never forget that her value is “priced above stunning Pigeon Blood Red rubies accented with diamonds and set in an intricately hand-engraved platinum setting.”

    • Aislyn, precisely. I pray that we women can get back to remembering that we are literally and figuratively sitting on the world that men want to win. If we don’t demand better, they will not supply better. I suppose it comes down to supply and demand. Anyway, glad you joined the conversation.


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